Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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