That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
