I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
