i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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