So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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