The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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