Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
