Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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