If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
