oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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