I just made out with a guy for $7.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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