Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
