We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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