Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
