Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
there is glitter all over my balls
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
