I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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