my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
