You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
