Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
love makes seman taste better
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
