Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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