Fine. I'll sleep in my office
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
