woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
