Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
