We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
