I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
