My sheets look like a crime scene.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
