i would one night stand the shit outta him
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
