Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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