Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
