Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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