Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
