I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
