Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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