Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
