proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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