took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
So squirting runs in the family.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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