i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
