I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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