so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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