I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
