Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
