if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
