Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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