no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
