i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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