I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
