I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
