Who wears a wallet chain?!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
