Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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