he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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