I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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