I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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