My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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